Stupid Favorite Fairy Tale Ships

Annd, here it is! My list of my very favorite stupidest fairy tale ships. Along with a couple ones that I hate, just because. I feel like I’ve been needing to write this post for a while now, anyway. I love! Talking about this! I love it much more than you love listening to me! But I will never shut up. Ever.

• Ivan and the Princess Blue-Eyes

I have not been able to find a copy of this fairy tale anywhere except here, but oh boy is it amazing. “Don’t take my armour off, dear princess, don’t pierce my white flesh with your sword!” he pleads. “Kiss me on the lips instead.” –an actual quote

Yeah, so she was just about to kill him and I’m pretty sure she blinded someone–no, wait, she blinded his dad, but we don’t care about that because his dad is a jerk. HUSH SHE’S PERFECT. She’s very bloodthirsty, but very perfect. It’s an enemies-to-lovers relationship, which is my absolute favourite trope when done right and my absolute most hated trope when done wrong (and it’s SO HARD to find it done right). Does this one deliver for me? Yes it does.

• The prince and princess from ‘The Prince and the Three Fates’

Ahh an actual healthy relationship on this list what is this

Anyway, the prince is prophesied to die from either a snake, a crocodile, or a dog. The princess hears that and decides she is having none of it, so she decides she will save her husband no matter what. And I’m still waiting on a retelling, Disney. Maybe you could get to work on that rather than remaking all your old stuff for the umpteenth time. Just saying.

It’s an Egyptian fairy tale, too (ancient Egyptian, actually, though I’m fairly sure the ending was added by Andrew Lang). I’m not necessarily against all the live-action remakes, but it does get to me that Disney could be using their time to spotlight lesser known fairy tales, especially non-European ones that have a harder time getting exposure over here, and they’re not. But oh well.

I need to post about this fairy tale. Good heavens.

• Gareth and Lynet

OKAY SO THIS ONE ISN’T CANON BUT IT SHOULD BE.

Also, is it really a surprise to anyone that I’m talking about Arthuriana again? No. No it is not.

So, Gareth (who is Gawain’s brother) sneaks into Camelot as a kitchen boy for…some reason. Lynet asks the knights to save her sister from a man besieging her castle, but refuses to tell them her name for…some reason. No one decides to help her except our boy Gareth because plot convenience. They argue a lot, and Lynet can be pretty dang classist, but it’s the time period it is and she has a learning curve, so I forgive her. And frankly, she’s depending on a kitchen boy who (for all she knows) has no idea how to fight, and her sister is in danger. I don’t really blame her for reacting badly.

Oh, and also? She’s a enchantress. Although I’m still confused why, if she has magic, she can’t just save her sister herself? Oh well! Plot convenience!

But it was not to be. He ended up with Lyonesse, the sister, instead. And I kind of love Lyonesse, too, but just. WHY WAS IT NOT CANOOONN

(and yeah there’s no Arthurian ‘canon’ really, but my point is it didn’t happen in any medieval stories that I know of.)

• The couple from ‘My Candlestick’

Another fairy tale I haven’t been able to find anywhere except here! The fairy tale is adorable though. And a little bit sad, but still adorable. The heroine actually reminds me a bit of my own first heroine: cute, a bit of a pathological liar, and sarcastic and fun. And honestly, I haven’t run into a lot of characters like these. We need more. And then there’s the prince; he’s enchanted and he never talks to her directly, but he starts opening up to her more and more and it’s so CUTE, dang it.

• Mordred and Guinevere–oh look, my Arthurian crack ship

Ahem. Um. So, before you go, ‘Um, she is his father’s (uncle’s?) WIFE? What is wrong with you?’ (Totally acceptable reaction tbh.) Let me just say…It was a thing. Talk to Geoffrey of Monmouth about it.

But I just feel like I’d LOVE SEEING THIS ONSCREEN. Or on page. Whatever. I have a thing for (fictional!) unhealthy relationships, and there is lots of DrAmA potential in unhealthy relationships, and we all know I love stupid drama. These two are pretty much the usurping king and queen of unhealthy relationships and stupid drama. I apologize for nothing.

At first I thought my love for this simply stemmed from my dinosaur brain going, ‘VILLAINOUS GUINEVERE. OH MY GOSH SHE’S TAKING OVER THE THRONE. GO AND SMASH THAT PATRIARCHY, GIRL’. And yeah, that’s a valid reason for why I like it, but also. Drama.

I blame this whole ship on my dinosaur brain.

And it says something about Arthurian legend that I don’t think they’re the unhealthiest relationship in the legends. Especially not if you expand ‘relationship’ to mean romantic and platonic relationships. But I can think of a few unhealthier romantic ones, too.

• Prunella and Bensiabel, from ‘Prunella’

Another one that’s weird, but still my fave. It’s basically Rapunzel and the prince, except the prince is the witch’s son instead, because all the best twists to a fairy tale have already been thought of. And he does pressure her into kissing him (by which I mean he TAKES ADVANTAGE OF LIFE-THREATENING SITUATIONS), but he always backs off when she tells him no each time, which…helps. I wouldn’t be able to stand this otherwise. But! He helps save her every time his mom tries to kill her (which happens a lot, incidentally), and Prunella doesn’t consider herself obligated to fall head-over-heels for him just because he saved her a couple times. It’s only after they’ve known each other for a while that she considers him at all, and in a world of love at first sight, that’s kind of refreshing.

They’re amazing. Specifically, Pru is amazing. Read the fairy tale, I’m serious.

~~~

And I feel like this list wouldn’t be complete without mentioning a few ships I want to boot to the curb.

• King Thrushbeard and the princess, from ‘King Thrushbeard’

Thinking about King Thrushbeard still makes me rage to this day, to be honest. The princess insults King Thrushbeard once when he asks her father for her hand in marriage, so then he does all this weird stuff where he disguises himself as a peasant and marries her, and then proceeds to humiliate her, emotionally abuse her, and treat her terribly. But it’s okay, because he’s the ‘hero’.

The scars I carry from reading this are still here.

• Cliges and Fenice

Uh. Another lesser-known couple from Arthuriana! And I don’t exactly regret reading this story, because Alexander is truly amazing and I love his friendship with Guinevere, but I do regret Cliges existing.

I may have gotten along with him better before that whole thing with him cutting off the squire’s leg. Hmm.

He’s also another character in Arthurian legend who falls in love with his aunt-in-law! Hmm.

(In case you’re wondering, yes. This was one of the unhealthier relationships in Arthuriana I had in mind. I’d also like to add Tristram and Iseult to the list? Yet another where the hero gets together with his aunt-in-law! Why is that a thing! )

• Griselda and whoever-his-name-was-wipe-him-from-my-memory, from ‘Griselda’

I can’t even talk about this fairy tale because it makes me so angry. I’m serious, if you want to know what it’s about, look it up yourself.

But WHY DID NO ONE SHOVE THAT HERO OFF A CLIFF. If no one else wants to, I volunteer. Ahem. I don’t usually get passionate enough about bad characters to hope they die, but there are always exceptions. And this man? Was an exception.

Anyway, that was all my very rambly and very stupid thoughts on my favorite ships! There are a few more I could probably think of, for both the ones I love and the ones I hate, but I don’t want this getting any longer than it is. Are there any you’d add or remove from either list? I’m honestly really curious.